Thursday, July 22, 2004

Shitting in Public

I'm sure you're like wha, no pictures? but trust me you're glad. I came this close to using some of the images I found on a google image search for "shit on a sidewalk" and "dogshit" and "did you mean: dog_shit." I thought it might add some punch to my story. But I don't want a picture of actual excrement up here at the top of the site. Would you?

Anyway, I would like to start off by saying that pissing in public is the apex of the cool. It's hippie, it's punk, it's earthy and urban, all at once. Fuck the past four mayors for not actually doing anything about the public bathroom shortage/crisis in NYC. Piss. Fuck the stores that oh so prominently place "Bathroom for CUSTOMERS ONLY" signs on their doors and windows. Piss. Fuck the establishment for making me feel pathetic and gross because I'm about to spray in my pants because I a) don't want to pay a dollar for a tasteless biscotti just to pee and b) because I'm too afraid to whip it out on the street and let it flow because I've heard the public urination law actually does get enforced. Apparently, frequently.

I should've just pissed.

Pissing in public is just plain badass, and it feels really good. It gives you deep shudders of urination pleasure like no other kind of peeing. I was at Veselka on 2nd the other day, and this guy, in broad daylight, just took it out and started peeing against the crosswalk sign. The street was crowded, there was a cop parked only half a block away, and he just took it out and let it rip. Awesome. And then he came in and bought a roll for breakfast. Without washing his hands first. Double awesome. It was pretty early in the day so it wasn't like one of those I'm-drunk-what-the-hell pissings in public. Super awesome.

But shitting in public--that is, in the street, in the park, behind a dumpster; basically anywheres that isn't in an actual toilet--is truly gross. I didn't know how gross I thought it was until I witnessed it myself. This morning. I was walking to the subway and I saw this fat guy crouched down around a corner. I thought from his posture that he was maybe changing out of running shorts or something, so I didn't slow down. I walked right past, as he hiked up his sweatpants--no wiping! sick!--and made his way back to the pizza parlor he had, apparently, come from. (Their bathroom, I know for a fact, is chronically out of order.) He even had the dignity to tuck his t-shirt into his sweatpants afterwards. And as I walked past, I couldn't resist turning...and seeing...and smelling...oh christ, it was awful.

I have three questions for Sir Shits-a-Lot.
1)Why, if you aren't homeless, would you shit on the sidewalk just like that?
2)Why, having gone out to that corner with the express purpose of dumping right there on the curb, didn't you bring some nappikins or baby wipes?
3)Who the fuck do you expect is going to clean that gnarly mess up? Your mama?

I HATE YOU.

Oh yeah, and a fourth question: What the hell are you doing eating pizza at ten in the morning! Sick! It's no wonder you can't control your own bowels!

5 Comments:

Blogger Hurricane James said...

Bobo,

This is so gross. First of all, I need more information on this shitbag. If he wasn't homeless, what was he? Secondly, why were you at Veselka? And C) I think a visual aid really might have spruced this posting up.

Love,
H-James

July 22, 2004 at 3:52 PM  
Blogger Bobo said...

I don't know. He was of indeterminate ethnicity. Or, I should say, I personally couldn't tell. He had dark, wavy hair. Of Medium height and much fat. I just don't think he was homeless. For one thing because he was going to eat in the pizza place, and I know the proprietors and I don't think they are the type to let homeless people eat in their restaurant.

July 22, 2004 at 4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are going to get so many more google hits now. We wrote on the UR about shitting a public restroom and now people always find our site whilst searching for scat porn. xo emily

July 22, 2004 at 4:20 PM  
Blogger Hurricane James said...

wow, i never thought of that. should i dedicate my blog to scat?

July 22, 2004 at 4:38 PM  
Blogger TinyRabbit said...

I, for one, want to know which pizzeria Sidewalk Shitter frequents so that I may steer clear...

July 23, 2004 at 12:28 PM  

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