Thursday, July 01, 2004

The Distinctive Physiognomy of the Republican Male



I hate to say it, but it might be about time to rescue Cesare Lombroso's theories of physiognomy and social deviance from the junk heap of long-discredited pseudoscience. Sure, his work is now about as respected in the scientific community as phrenology, a related and contemporary phenomenon. And his theory--that criminality could be determined from facial bone structure and other physical characteristics--may have some eerie similarities to eugenics, and was essentially a way of demonizing people based not on crimes they actually committed but on crimes they might one day commit. Men with overbites will likely go on to rape someone...long noses and short eyebrows = potential child murderer. This is obviously bunk.

But as there is no denying that "gay face" is a very real and widespread phenomenon, so there is no denying that a whole lot of Republican males look, well, creepily samey. I'm not saying it's a bad thing. It isn't even exceptional ugliness that defines it, either, though, to be sure, they are all mostly quite ugly. It's almost indescribable, yet quite apparent even to the untrained eye. Which party does this man vote for, do you think?

It consists, I think, in a kind of physical obliviousness. These are all men who would fart loudly in a crowded elevator and pretend--even to themselves--that nothing at all out of the ordinary had just happened. These men look like they've never had a trauma-free bowel movement in their lives. They have uneasy, unpleasant faces; when they frown or look serious, you half expect them to keel over from either a massive coronary or the sheer eruptive force of a 30 pound fecal impaction. But then they smile,and you realize their brightest smiles are far worse and more nightmarish than even their grimmest, most constipated grimace.

This is all almost universally true, at least of the white ones.

Oh wait, even some black Republicans have it!

Wow, even the gay ones!

This thing is definitely genetic.

3 Comments:

Blogger Anonymous said...

Most excellent use of links, Bobo. And I would say no worries. For even if DM hits bottom -- which it won't -- you could take this blog to the top. (And even do little laser point presentations at Galapagos a la Sarah Vowell -- or whoever that NPR chick I saw was -- on that McSweeney's night...) PS I'll be your agent.

July 1, 2004 at 4:36 PM  
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January 30, 2013 at 10:31 AM  

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